


Catch Your Breath and Fan Our Flames

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beginning of, Chroma Conclave Arc, DEADASS THO THE END OF 42 HAD ME SCREAMING, F/M, Feels, GOT ME FUCKED UP, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post Ep 42, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:38:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: Vax isn't very good with his feelings, they keep getting caught in his throat like strangled breaths. After letting go of someone to fully embrace another, everything goes to shit and Vax struggles through pain and a realization of how far he'd be willing to go for the person he loves.





	Catch Your Breath and Fan Our Flames

**Author's Note:**

> Well shit look at that I'm back in less than a month its a miracle! Deadass tho God bless Critical Role it's getting me back into my writing groove again I love them sm like fuuuuck dude it feels so good to write and I hope you guys like this!

Howarth’s, the textile-front, speakeasy-back little tavern that Scanlan had been told about was surprisingly a great stop on their bar crawl - on their attempt at a bar crawl. After having finally finished off the Briarwoods and taking care of Riskel Daxio, it seemed only fitting to have a fun night of drinking and unwinding. Vox Machina deserved it.

As the drinks kept going down, Vax approached the barkeep to ask about food, when suddenly he heard Percy and Keyleth both shout out “Gilmore!”

Turning around, Vax quickly found the grinning merchant, his signature purple and gold robes easy to spot even in the crowd. “Look at this motherfucker right here!” Vax called out, extending a hand towards the entrance as Gilmore made his way towards their group, then running towards Vax as soon as he found him at the bar.

“Vax’ildan!” he exclaims, grabbing Vax’s face and giving him a quick peck on both cheeks in greeting.

After everything that’s happened, Vax can’t help but stand up from where he’s sitting, lifting Gilmore up into the air and twirling him around before he sits him on the bar stool beside his before retaking his seat. He pats Gilmore on the cheek. “How are you? It’s so good to see you,” Vax rushes out breathlessly. Seeing that familiar smile on his face warms Vax’s heart. “God, you look good.”

(In the background, Vax can barely hear Scanlan’s apologetic tone, “He’s had a couple of drinks.”)

“You as well, my friend,” Gilmore grins, not hearing, or possibly ignoring, Scanlan’s words. “You as well.”

Vax, however, nods along to Scanlan’s words, a lazy grin on his face. “I have.”

Before Gilmore can respond, Keyleth shouts out, “Yes, Gilmore! Gilmore,” she pauses for a second, swaying in her seat before grinning at Gilmore brightly, “what are you drinking? We’re buying! What are you drinking?”

“Oh, obviously whatever she’s having,” Gilmore laughs, surprised to see the druid in such high spirits.

Vax felt something melt in his chest seeing Keyleth smile so freely, all of the tensions that had been weighing down on them lifted off their shoulders, and hearing Gilmore laugh only made that feeling grow. But even in Vax’s drunken state, he knew well enough not to dwell on those feelings or else he’d risk letting them out, so instead he turned to Gilmore and asked, rather lamely, “Do you have any food? They don’t have any.”

(“She’s only had one drink,” Scanlan laughs into his glass of ale before taking another drink. Vax isn’t sure if the others hear him say this either.)

“They don’t have any - oh, they, they would not sell food here, no. It's a finer establishment,” Gilmore answers with a shrug.

Vex leans over the table, “Where can we go for food, Gilmore?”

“Um,” Gilmore thinks for a few beats before he reaches into a satchel that he has on his side, pulling out a small pouch. He quickly opens the pouch, dropping a small wooden domino into his hand. He looks up at the group. “You wouldn’t mind clearing some of these tables for me?”

He points directly at Grog even as Scanlan is already on his feet, moving things off the table and saying “Sure, sure,” and smiles at him “If you wouldn’t mind helping me clear some of these tables for me?”

“Not a problem,” Grog says, before shouting, “Stand up you lot!” and shoving the table out of the way with a backhand swat of his hand, accidently sending the drinks on a nearby table to the ground. Those at that table don’t say anything though, not wanting to get on the goliath’s bad side and instead just stand up to go buy more drinks.

“It’s clear,” Grog announces with a pleased grin.

Gilmore turns to the barkeep, giving him a nod. The bartender raises his hands in a “don’t worry” gesture, clearly letting all these antics slide. With that, Gilmore tosses the wooden domino on the ground, whispers something under his breath and flicks his wrist, and suddenly the domino rises and expands, becoming a wooden table laden with delicious foods, the sight familiar to the group by now. 

The group looked up at Gilmore in awe, catching sight of a gem encrusted chalice that he had also taken out of his pouch disappearing from his other hand, as payment for the food. “Well,” his grin was back wider than before, “I figured it was a special occasion.”

A hero’s feast - and this time in celebration, not in preparation for an upcoming battle. They all dug in, telling stories about how they were talking up Gilmore’s brand and how they were working on building a library in Whitestone in his name, before moving to more serious talk about Vecna and what he knew about the dark entity. All the while the drinking continued, up until Grog got Keyleth to take a few shots of firewater.

While Pike, Grog, and Percy all seemed to have handled their shots well, the druid wasn’t looking so good. Scanlan quickly backed away from Keyleth as soon as he saw the smile on her face turn into a bit of a worried frown. She glanced at the door.

“I gotta go ou’side,” she slurred. “I gotta go ou’side. I gotta go, I gotta go.” Percy immediately moved in to help her stand but she just shook her head. “No, no, no, no, no, no - nope, nope, mmm, I’m good.”

Even Grog, who was almost as drunk as Keyleth at this point, could clearly see that she was not good. He met Percy’s eyes from across the table and they both got up, Percy helping Keyleth to her feet.

“Pike, tell me a story,” Keyleth said, forgetting in her inebriated state that Pike could help her but not knowing exactly how, and instead settling on asking the gnome to talk to her for a while.

“There’s a story outside,” Percy promises as Grog comes around the table and scoops the druid up in his arms, the three of them with Vex tagging along whisking Keyleth out of the bar.

Vax watched everything go down with equal parts amusement and worry - he wanted to go out and help her too, but he had to talk to Gilmore, and now that everyone was otherwise occupied was the best time to do it.

Gilmore laughs under his breath, finishing his drink. “It’s good to see friends.” He shakes his head with a smile, “Well -”

“You’re not going, are you?” Vax asks, noticing that Gilmore seemed to be wrapping up for the night.

“It’s getting very late and I’ve only been back a few days, and I’ve a lot of business to tend to in the morning,” he explains.

Not willing to let the moment slip past his fingers, Vax nods. “I’m sure you do,” he pauses, looking down, before meeting Gilmore’s eyes again. “Could I borrow your ear for a few minutes?”

“Certainly,” Gilmore says, settling more comfortably in his chair, attention on Vax. “It would be my absolute pleasure,” he adds with a flirtatious smile.

“Um,” Vax starts, glancing at Scanlan.

“You want some privacy?” Scanlan asks, picking up on Vax’s slight awkwardness.

“In private,” Vax says, eyes back on Gilmore.

“Oh,” Gilmore answers, his voice dropping into more of a whisper for a second. “Well, har be me to stand in the way of a private conversation,” Gilmore continues, his smile securely back on his face. He stands, going to a far table that’s tucked right by the stage, and sits, looking expectantly at Vax.

Sending a small prayer to Sarenrae to watch over this conversation, Vax stands up, making his way over to Gilmore and sitting down with him.

“Yes, Vax’ildan, darling,” Gilmore grins at him, the sparkle in his eye brighter now than it’d been all night.

“We-we have known each other a long time,” Vax starts, stuttering at the start.

Gilmore nods. “Yeah.” He can clearly see Vax is nervous, and tries his best to look encouraging so that the half-elf can tell him what he wanted to discuss in private.

“Long time, yeah?” Vax pauses, letting a brief silence settle around them, a silence laden with months and years of memories between the two of them, with walks through Emon and flirtatious back and forths in his shop.

“I have a lot of love for you. You are an amazing man,” Vax continues.

“Well, I’m not disagreeing with you there,” Gilmore laughs, but Vax notices that his heart doesn’t seem in it this time, as if he knows what’s coming in this conversation.

“That is part of your charm.” Vax shakes his head, “I don’t even know what I’m saying, per say, uh…” He pauses again as he trials off. “I just feel I need to be honest with you.”

Vax stops again until he sees Gilmore nod. “There’s no question you and I have danced around each other a bit for the past few years,” Vax finds himself leaning in a little closer to Gilmore, but he’s finding it harder and harder to meet his eyes. “And, I have been curious.”

“Well,” and Gilmore lets out a small laugh, “curiosity is the spark of arcane pursuits and knowledge.” He gives Vax a wink, “Among many other things.”

“I’ve come close many times,” Vax feels his breath catch in his throat for a second, “to going further than I have. You are a charming man, Gilmore.” His name catches in Vax’s throat, coming out a little breathlessly.

Vax looks down, avoiding his bright, bright eyes that hurt a little bit to look into at the moment, “But I respect you very much.” He steels himself and meets his eyes again. “And I need to tell you,” the silence this time feels heavy with so many unspoken things, so many possibilities for futures that Vax can’t let himself imagine, “that I can’t do the dance anymore.

“I am in love,” Vax confesses. His next words hurt to say, and it feels like he’s pouring firewater on his heart, “With someone I don’t think loves me.” He lets out a breath. “But all the same,” a small pause, “it wouldn’t be fair to you, to think that, we might dally.”

He’s looking at a space right beneath Gilmore’s eyes, at the smooth, caramel skin there, because he can’t bear to see the look in his eyes. “And I don’t want to be a liar,” Vax continues, “so I won’t be.”

“Well, I,” now it's Gilmore’s turn to pause. He gives Vax a sad smile. “Certainly appreciate your honesty. And,” he takes a second, seemingly picking out his words carefully, “well, I would be lying if I said I didn’t say I was a little disappointed.”

Vax looks into his eyes now, he can see it there, the sad disappointment, and he feels like he’d rather burn.

“But at the same time, the heart wants what the heart wants,” Gilmore continues. “And, ah, while I’ve enjoyed our flirtation perhaps our paths aren’t meant to be quite so entwined.” Gilmore tilts his head to the side with a shrug, trying to seem reassuring, “such is the flow of fate, my friend.” He sighs, a sound of heartbreak, understanding, and acceptance all wrapped into one.

He meets Vax’s eyes though, his signature Gilmore smile back in place. “Well, I wish you luck. The path of an uncertain heart is never an easy one.” His smile turns sympathetic. “But should you ever need an ear to bend or a shoulder to cry on, well you know where I am. And if I’m not there, you know how to get a hold of me.”

Vax is looking at Gilmore in awe now, so happy and glad and feeling like Sarenrae heard his prayers, and he suddenly acts in the moment, reaching out and placing a hand behind Gilmore’s head.

“You are a beautiful arcane bastard,” Vax grins, and then he kisses him, full on the lips. It’s a kiss that holds a beginning, a middle, and an end, holding so many strands of so many futures tied into this one moment. It’s overwhelming in the best way and it feels so fitting because both Vax and Gilmore are overwhelming and Vax is uncharacteristically bold while Gilmore is surprised and that’s all they would ever be with each other. It’s over just as quickly as it started, a bright flare that leaves a smattering of ashes in its wake.

Vax pats him on the shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Gilmore looks flustered, but he masks it behind a satisfied smirk. “Now you’re just being a tease.” He lifts his drink to catch the last few drops of wine from it, Vax’s eyes on him the entire time. Setting it down, Gilmore turns to Vax again. “Goodnight to you, Vax’ildan.”

“Goodnight, Gil,” Vax says quietly, a soft smile on his face.

And Gilmore walks out, leaving Vax sitting in his seat and finally putting what he had with Gilmore in their past.

* * *

Uriel’s Cloudtop invitation brought everyone before his castle, with almost all of the upper class gathered before the stage that had been set up along the palace wall. Vox Machina had been among the group, and as Scanlan and Grog arrived after the others with Gilmore, it was clear that he had received an invite as well.

Gilmore waved at everyone, smiling broadly, before meeting Vax’s gaze, giving him a respectful nod. Vax returns it without hesitation with a smile. Then Gilmore is swept away, mingling with the other guests, leaving Vox Machina to themselves.

As soon as the sun sets, Uriel’s guards lead Uriel to the stage, where he gives his solemn speech, and his unexpected announcement: he’s stepping down. The news is so shocking that Vax almost didn’t notice Vex touching his shoulder - almost. However, all the time against the Briarwoods had sharpened his senses, and he immediately turned to his sister, who’s eyes were trained on the sky.

She pointed up, and he followed where she was pointing, catching two fast moving streaks of color - black and red - shoot through the sky. Vax feels his stomach drop past his knees, knowing that nothing could move that quickly unless it was what he thought it was.

Then the bells start up, warning bells, confirming his worst suspicion.

Seeker Assum was just beginning to advise everyone to go back home and stay indoors when a giant white dragon slammed into Allura’s tower, unleashing a blast of icy fury against it. Then everything erupted into chaos when Raishan arrived.

The ancient green dragon easily dropped everyone around Vox Machina with just two blasts of it's poisonous breath. They tried to fight it, tried to do some damage, but it was too strong. They either had to run or die.

And so they ran. Keyleth was going to druidcraft them a path through a nearby tree and they were going to make a run for it. In the chaos, Vax could only make sure that his friends were safe, that everyone was going to make it. He couldn’t spare a thought to what happened to the council or to Sovereign Uriel, but he can’t help but keep looking for sky blue and gold robes among everyone around them. He can’t find him in the chaos.

Even though he could run faster than everyone else, he stuck close to his sister, watching everyone’s back as Grog brought up the rear after having taken some swipes at Raishan with Craven Edge.

They continued running, expecting Raishan and the newly arrived black dragon to completely decimate their group, when suddenly a new voice, a deep, dark, ancient voice booms out, ordering the dragons to leave. It was the red dragon, claiming Emon as his domain.

Raishan and Umbrasyl begrudgingly leave, but the danger was not lessened as they could hear the rushing flames and screams of the citizens of Emon as the red dragon cloaked the city in fire.

Keyleth barely got the group back to Greyskull Keep alive, but a part of Vax stayed in the Cloudtop District, stranded among the dead in front of the stage, hoping that Gilmore somehow made it out too.

* * *

At Greyskull they barely had a chance to take a breath before the white dragon attacked, killing fleeing citizens and almost taking out Trinket with an icy blast. But even then, much to everyone’s disbelief, the red dragon appeared, ordering the white dragon away. A symbol of mercy from the Cinder King to his new lowly citizens.

The next few hours were a flurry of activity, making plans, helping refugees settle, worrying for everyone who hadn’t been accounted for, and even fighting over the stupid skull they found in General Krieg’s house before Allura arrived and helped defuse the situation. After a few scrying spells, they saw where Thordak, the red dragon, had come from.

Vax’s heart broke seeing Keyleth sob over the destruction of Pyrah. He couldn’t even comfort her, the situation almost demanding that Keyleth shove her pain down and ignore it.

It was near midnight when Allura left, but before they tried to scrape together a few hours of rest Keyleth decided to commune with nature.

“I sense Gilmore’s presence,” she whispers after sitting in meditation for a few minutes.

Vax moves closer to her, but not close enough to disrupt her meditation.

“A weak presence,” she breathes out. “I sense him in Abdar’s Promenade.”

She grows silent for five minutes, ten minutes, then finally, “I don’t sense Uriel.”

Keyleth opens her eyes, her communion with nature over, and the group discusses their next plan of action - going to Gilmore’s shop to look for him, or to at least find his body.

Vax doesn’t want to think about finding his body. “If he did not make it,” Vax says, the words hard to get out around the sudden lump in his throat, “we still go to his shop, use whatever’s left.” He closes his eyes to keep the tears from falling. “It’s what Gilmore would want.”

That night was filled with nightmares for everyone and a fitful rest, with Vax waking up in a cold sweat more than once, memories of his mother and worried and guilty about not being out looking for Gilmore right that second. But they had to rest. They would be no use to Gilmore if they died on their way to find him.

* * *

Sneaking into Emon the next morning hadn’t been as hard as they expected since they used the secret tunnel from their keep. On the way to Abdar’s Promenade they saw some of the destruction Thordak had wrought upon the city, as buildings still burned in the distance and torn down structures still smoldered. There were even frozen citizens, victims of the white dragon, near the gate. It was disheartening to see that despite all this death around them, there were still looters seeking to take advantage of the situation.

It hurt to see the once lively and colorful merchant’s block desolate and picked clean, Abdar’s Promenade reduced a ghost of it's past self. Tents had been ransacked and carts overturned, and it seemed like what had miraculously escaped the dragon had not escaped the looters.

Vax could feel his chest tighten more and more with every step they took towards the edge of the bazaar, to the corner that would take them straight to Gilmore’s - towards the black smoke rising from that direction. He felt like a coil about to snap.

As soon as Gilmore’s came into sight, Vax felt his breath catch in his throat.

Gilmore’s was gone.

The beautiful, vivid, bright shop had been reduced to nothing but rubble. And then Vax sees the looters, a group of them, picking through the debris.

“Get the fuck out of here!” Vax shouts, feeling his devastation morph into fury, marching up to the group. “Get out!”

(From behind, he can hear Vex call out halfheartedly, “Keep your voice down.”)

One of the looters has the audacity to turn to Vax. “Ay, get your own shit alright.”

Vax immediately whips out one of his daggers. “Move on, now. Now.” His chest is rising and falling as if he’s winded, and he feels winded, like he can’t breathe properly, but he can’t let himself focus on that. “Now,” he growls.

They have a brief stand-off, Vox Machina squaring off against the looters as Vex tries to convince the looters to move on. Then one of them throws a dagger at Vex, and all hell breaks loose.

It doesn’t take long for them to take care of the looters, leaving two alive. Then they go back to what they came for, to try and find Gilmore.

They pore over the rubble, finding the beaded curtain that would lead to the back room of the shop. Grog moves some of the heavier stones and wooden supports out of the way, revealing the crushed remains of Gilmore’s bedroom. Vax feels his heart sink when they don’t find any sign of a transportation circle along the smooth granite of the floor, the last hope that maybe Gilmore had managed to get away.

Suddenly Vex rushes over to the foot of the bed, falling to her knees before rushing back to her feet and pushing at the remains of the bed. She calls out to Grog, “Help me with this!”

Grog quickly goes over, and Vax can distinctly hear Vex say “There’s a door.”

Everyone’s there in an instant, pushing and moving and then the door, well hidden beneath the bed, is wrenched open to a secret safe room.

A figure rushes up from the shadows, blade at the ready and yelling out, “Whoever you are, leave. Run away or-or I swear I’ll kill you.” It’s a woman’s voice.

“Sherri?” Keyleth asks.

Looking closer into the dimly lit room beneath them, they see that the woman isn’t Sherri, but she seems faintly familiar.

“Don’t attack,” Vex says, lifting her hands in a placating gesture.

Scanlan, not having gotten a good glimpse at the woman calls out, “Sherri, it’s us!”

“Di-did you work here?” Vex asks, gently lowering herself closer to the opening. “We’re looking for Gilmore.”

The woman glances back, past her shoulder, and calls out a shaky, “Sherri?”

Then, finally, Sherri’s familiar face comes from the shadows. She’s covered in soot, and she has burns on her arm and part of her face, but when she sees them she breathes out, “My God.” She seems to remember herself then, and suddenly seems a bit rushed. “Come in, quick, please,” she ushers them down with a rapid motion of her hand.

They all drop down into the small chamber, adjusting to the low light. Now they recognize the first woman as Empress Salda, Sovereign Uriel’s wife.

“Empress, i-is Uriel down here? Did you make it out?” Vex asks, almost stumbling over her words. “Your children?”

Salda puts away the dagger and motions to the back corner of the room, past a glowing teleportation circle carved into the ground, where her three kids are huddled together.

She slowly drops her hand, opening and closing her mouth a few times before she quietly says, “I don’t believe my husband made it.” She looks at the group. “But we’re alive.”

“Did you see him fall?” Vax asks. He asks because hearing the Uriel might be dead shocks him long enough to keep at bay his worry for who else might be dead.

“No,” Salda answers, eyes downcast. She looks over her shoulder, at what at first glance had just seemed like a pile of rags, the sky blue velvet now standing out brightly against the darkening puddle of crimson beneath it. “He-he saved us.”

Vax doesn’t remember running over but suddenly he’s there, on his knees beside Gilmore, a hand under his chin and another on his cheek. He’s not moving, and he feels hot and clammy, a feverish sweat coating his skin, usually dusted gold now pale as death.

(“Pike,” someone says behind him, lots of people say behind him, but Vax can’t make out who says it. All he can focus on is Gilmore.)

His robe is burned and charred in some places and torn in others. Gilmore’s arm is curled up over his abdomen, where blood is caked into the robe, still fresh, still pouring out.

“Pike! Pike! Pike - Keyleth,” Vax shouts, bringing himself closer to Gilmore. “Come over here!”

She rushes over, Keyleth and Vex right behind her, and they settle down beside them, Vex and Keyleth doing their best to stabilize him while Pike starting praying to Sarenrae.

“It's-it’s gonna be alright,” Vax reassures, holding Gilmore’s face in his hands. “Pike is here, it’s gonna be alright - it’s gonna be alright.” His voice is breaking, the tears falling freely now.

Vax had always been told that when you’re dying, your life flashes right before your eyes. Right now, he’s not dying though, it’s Gilmore, bleeding out in his arms, but Vax can’t help but remember everything, every single moment with Gilmore.

He remembers when he first met him, when they first started their flirtatious back and forth, their first walk throughout Emon together, when he decided to sponsor the team, he remembers moments that mean everything and moments that meant nothing but that he’d give everything for in order to guarantee that he’d get moments like that with him again.

Vax remembers just a few nights ago, at the speakeasy. He remembers Gilmore’s lips against his, their beginning, middle, and end. It feels like a lifetime ago.

He’s dying, but Vax feels like he’s dying with him.

“Gil,” he whispers, his name catching in his throat.

The girls are rushing now and Pike is setting her hands on Gilmore.

“Pike,” Vax says, the devastation in his voice clear to everyone. “Hurry, Pike.”

He feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, and in that touch he knows it's Keyleth.

(Vax can’t think about that right now, he can’t untangle everything he’s feeling. He owes it to them but he can’t, he can’t think, he can barely breathe.)

“Okay, okay, okay,” Pike repeats, readying herself. She then holds her holy symbol - the symbol of Sarenrae - between both of her hands. She’s kneeling in front of Gilmore, and she reaches out to touch Gilmore again, and this time a bright light fills the room. It extends from Pike’s holy symbol, bathing Pike in holy light that travels down her arms and breathes life into Gilmore as it seeps into his skin.

The light moves towards Gilmore’s abdomen, and Vax catches sight of the deep, jagged gash that had sliced into Gilmore, and he lets out a choked sob.

Sarenrae’s warmth keeps flowing into him, and the wound stitches itself up. Pike pulls away, and Gilmore slouches into Vax’s arms.

He shivers and curls over, curls in on himself, and Vax’s breath leaves him with a sob of relief, seeing Gilmore seemingly whole again. Vax pulls him into his lap, holding him tightly against him.

“Is he alright?” Sherri calls out from behind them. “Is he alright?”

“I,” Vax begins, stopping to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I think so.” Vax nods, “I think so.”

Even so, the silence that follows is overwhelming as everyone gets closer, waiting to see if Gilmore will wake up.

Vax is smoothing his hair out, running his fingers soothingly over his head. “Hey,” Vax whispers, “Hey.” Vax can feel Gilmore’s steady heartbeat against his arm.

Then Gilmore shakes, a small cough rousing him. His eyes flutter open, and they try to take in what’s going on around him before focusing on Vax. He smiles instinctually, a small trail of blood at the corner of his mouth. “Well,” he weakly begins. “It’s always what I assumed I’d see in my last moments.”

Vax grins, tears running down his face. “Bad day, huh?” he asks quietly.

“Strangely enough, I’m pretty sure I’ve had worse,” Gilmore answers, his joking manner and wisecracks still at the ready.

“No offense, darling, but you look like shit,” Vex says from over Vax’s shoulder, and Gilmore laughs and Vax wants to laugh and cry and crush Gilmore to him in a bruising hug.

But he doesn’t. He just holds him close, keeping him in his lap, feeling the rumble of his voice and the thump of his heartbeat.

“Can’t have that, can we?” Gilmore raises his hand, arcane energy curling around his fingers, but then he’s coughing, the magic vanishing.

“Gilmore -” Keyleth warns, sounding apologetic and worried and it pulls at Vax’s heartstrings.

“No,” Vex tuts, putting her hand out to try and stop him.

Vax gives him a little squeeze. “Give it - give it time. Give it time.”

“You need to rest,” Keyleth finishes, a firm but gentle reminder.

Gilmore lets out a shaky breath. “So, either we’re all dead or we’re all alive.” He looks around at the group. “I’d like an answer.”

“Alive,” Vex quickly responds.

“Good,” Gilmore sighs, leaning back into Vax’s arms. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He laughs weakly, then glances around again. “I was so worried about you all - I went back for you.”

Vax feels himself freeze, guilt and affection warring in his chest.

He recounted more of what happened, sitting in Vax’s arms all the while. For a second Vax desperately wished that they could all stay there, all his friends and the people who held his heart all safe and all together. But Vax knew that could never be an option.

“You’ve certainly earned your name today,” Vax tells Gilmore, after he’s told them almost everything that had happened, how he’d saved the kids, how he’d seen Uriel’s body.

Gilmore shakes his head the tiniest of a fraction. “I could have saved more.” He frowns, then he laughs, and Vax can see that now Gilmore is the one on the verge of tears. “I couldn’t find you - I couldn’t, I looked -”

Keyleth puts a hand on Vax’s shoulder, fingers just barely brushing the top of Gilmore’s head. “We’re so sorry.”

“Oh, no, I-I - you -”

“We were hard to find,” Percy interrupts, stopping Gilmore’s stuttering apology.

He takes a deep breath. “I figured you would - you would be taking care of yourself. I wen-” He stops himself, laughing despite his next words. “I went to the dragon just in case you had decided to be your usual foolish selves and run into Hell itself.”

Vax can’t help but hold him tighter, a protective spark curling in his chest.

“Perhaps send a spy and try to trick him,” Vex jokes, referring to one of the earlier plans they’d thrown around. “That would have been stupid, huh?”

“Yes, very,” Scanlan deadpans.

Vex sobers with her next sentence. “Gilmore, we called for you. I’m sorry we didn’t wait.”

“No, I’m glad you didn’t.” Now Vax can feel Gilmore put a hand on his chest, fingers weakly clutching his cloak. “You may not be here.”

They talked for a while longer, and Gilmore told them about those that had died and kneeled before the Cinder King. He also told them about the strange smooth surface in the dragon’s chest, something he’d seen in passing since he hadn’t been able to make out the details during his duel with Thordak. 

(“I’ve never dueled a dragon before - I’ve dueled a dragon now!” Gilmore grinned.)

Then they’re leaving, Vax helping Gilmore up as they start getting ready to make their way to Greyskull Keep. But then Vex brings up the well full of gold that the looters had stashed away, and Vax finds himself torn.

Keyleth thinks it's a bad idea, Scanlan doesn’t seem too convinced, but Percy and Grog don’t seem to have a problem with it and as Grog hands Vex the bag of holding, Scanlan begrudgingly decides to go with her. Vax has to choose between going back with Keyleth, Gilmore, the rest of Vox Machina, and the royal family to Greyskull Keep, or go with Scanlan, Garthok, and his sister.

It feels as if he’s squeezing his heart as he gently drapes Gilmore’s arm over Keyleth’s shoulder so that she can help him walk. “I don’t want to go,” Vax explains, voice low, “but I’m not leaving you.”

(He hears Gilmore say “Hello” to Keyleth as she calls out Vax’s name.)

“And I’m not happy,” Vax quietly says to his sister.

“Why are we getting gold?” Scanlan sighs from behind the pair.

“Well then don’t - don’t be pissy about it,” Vex quips back.

Vax feels himself shake slightly, just the thought of not going almost making him sick. “I’m not leaving you.”

As they climb out, they make other plans that Vax barely pays attention to, but then there’s a hand on his arm, pulling him back as Vex begins to pace away.

“I-I - I have to go,” Vax whispers.

“What - don’t - wait,” Keyleth starts, not letting go of his arm.

“I have to,” Vax repeats.

“Vax, Vax, listen to me,” Keyleth’s voice is imploring, worried.

It breaks his heart to pull away from her, to turn around and follow his sister into the shadows.

“No - Vax!” she calls out, and it crushes the pieces of his heart into fine powder, leaving two of the people he cares about most in the world as he follows his twin sister, the only person he’d abandon everyone and everything for.

* * *

By the time they get back, rain is pouring heavily. As soon as Keyleth sees Vax she runs up to him, throwing her arms around him, much to his surprise.

“You - you’re okay. You’re okay,” she whispers into his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he says, arms coming around her tentatively as well.

“You did it? Did you - you talked her out of it?” Keyleth asks, still holding Vax close to her.

That makes Vax hang his head, disappointment making his shoulders slouch. “Uh, n-”

Then Vex is patting Keyleth on the back as she walks by. “Yeah, Keyleth, he talked me out of it.”

Keyleth pulls away, looking into Vax’s eyes. “Thank you.” And then she’s gone, leaving Vax rooted to the spot.

His sister may sometimes pull him away from others that he cares about, but she’s quick to have his back too.

* * *

Their next plan is a failure as their negotiation with the underground criminal organization of the Clasp goes South. Their terms were too steeply in their favor, and while Percy had been willing to accept, Vax couldn’t stomach the thought of making such an unfair deal with the same unsavory group that had marked his sister for murder and had stained his skin with their symbol.

They climb out of the Clasp’s lair, now officially enemies, a kill-on-sight enmity as solid as the rocks caving in behind them, effectively sealing off this entrance to the Clasp’s tunnels.

As Percy and Keyleth have a few words, Vex puts a hand on Vax’s back. “This mark, is it magic? Can they trace you through this mark?” she asks.

Without answering Vax walks over to Keyleth. He isn’t going to beat around the bush, needing to get this over with now before he lost his nerve. “Can you still do the thing with your hands?”

Keyleth’s hands immediately ignite, flames dancing in her fingers. “That thing?”

Vax rips his shirt down, exposing the Clasp’s mark on his back. “I want you to burn it away.”

He sees the hesitation, the worry and fear in her eyes. He’s afraid she won’t want to do it, so he musters all the conviction and strength into a single word. “Now.”

“Vex, do you have an arrow?” Keyleth asks, her eyes never leaving Vax’s.

“Of course,” Vex says, pulling one out of her quiver.

“Hand it to him,” Keyleth instructs.

“Put it in your teeth,” Vex tells him at the same time Keyleth says “Put this in between your teeth.”

Vax puts the arrow in his mouth, his teeth against the wood, and then there’s a searing pain in the center of his shoulder blades that makes him see white.

He can barely hear the sizzling and cracking of his own skin over the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears, the smell of his burning flesh reaching him as Keyleth continues to press her palm into his back. The arrow shatters in his teeth and Vax screams, a loud, pained howl.

The burning continues for a few more seconds before Keyleth pulls back and Vax slumps forward. Where the Clasp symbol used to be there is now a hand mark burned in between his shoulders.

There’s a beat of silence, then they talk amongst themselves, Grog even agreeing that Vax had made the right call when he’d refused the Clasp’s deal. Vax can barely mumble out a quiet “Thank you, Grog.”

A few minutes pass where they’re still talking, and Vax is kneeling on the ground, trying to catch his breath, when he feels his sister’s hand on his shoulder, and the familiar soothing feeling of cure wounds as his sister casts the healing spell on him.

“No -” he pulls away, but it's already done.

He’s worried that it healed the burn all the way, leaving no scarring, but when he reaches behind his fingers just barely graze over his scarred skin. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that it's still there, that Vex’s spell had only alleviated the pain. The Clasp’s mark was still covered by Keyleth’s handprint.

“Thank you,” Vax says quietly, dropping his arm to his side. Vax looked up, catching Keyleth’s eye.

Even though her touch had burned him he would take her hands on his skin a million times over than have the Clasp’s mark inked into it. Even if it was dangerous to be so close with fire, he would rather burn than be without her.

She looked away.

Vax couldn’t bring himself to stop looking.

* * *

They get back to Greyskull Keep late, with many of the refugees already having settled down for the night. Vax finds Pike in the temple, and when he asks about Gilmore she motions to him, now fast asleep.

“He’ll be alright. He’s gonna pull through.” Her brow furrows slightly. “I should probably stay with him for a bit, make sure he’s okay.”

As quietly as possible they make their way over to him, and this time Pike says in a whisper, “He’s been conscious throughout the day while you were gone but he’s got to rest a bit more. He’s still had a rough, rough few days.”

Vax nods, and Pike moves on, bustling about a bit, coming back after checking on a few other patients before she goes on another healer round. He sits beside Gilmore’s bed, watching him sleep.

He thinks about how close he had come to losing him, how that had almost broken him. He can’t help but think that maybe, in another life, they could have been happy together. He cared about Gilmore dearly, would die and kill for him even, but he kept thinking of Keyleth, putting her hand on his back, searing a dark part of his past away. He kept thinking of the pain he’d undergone when he put himself in her hands, when he trusted her to do what needed to be done, even if it was a hard choice.

Vax would kill and die for Gilmore, but he didn’t think he’d be willing to let Gilmore kill him if that was the hard choice that needed to be made.

But with Keyleth - with Keyleth, he’d be willing to let her use his own dagger to carve his heart out if it came to it. He’d rather burn for her than be reduced to ash on his own.

He sits quietly for a while, still thinking, before giving Gilmore a soft smile. “You beautiful arcane bastard,” Vax whispered. “I think it’s time I stop avoiding my feelings and follow my heart, yeah?” He pats the side of the bed, “Thanks for wishing me luck the other night, Gil. I’m going to need it.”

No one notices him leave, years of being a rogue turning him into a silent shadow as he moves, this time towards something and not away from it.

* * *

Vax knocks on Keyleth’s door. Everyone was already asleep by the time he’d come around, and he was almost worried that maybe she was asleep too, but then her door swings open.

“Hi,” she breathes, standing there, the light of the moon illuminating her from behind like a lunar halo.

“Hi,” Vax whispers, his heart stuttering in his throat.

He had wanted to wait for a better time, to wait until they were at least in a safer place, but he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone in the dark.

“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” Vax quietly admits. “Do you?” his voice is reverent, low, his burning devotion for the druid warm embers in his tone.

She shakes her head, and Vax is ready to bow away, to apologize for overstepping a boundary and respectfully leave, but then her next words pull him up short. “I haven’t been wanting to be alone most nights.”

And she lets him in.

* * *

Keyleth had seen the way that Gilmore and Vax had looked at each other, had worried that maybe Vax still had feelings for him that had resurfaced after the trauma of almost losing him - but here, in her room, she sees the way that Vax looks at her as she leads him inside, eyes full of wonder and love and adoration and she closes the distance between them. She pulls him into her arms, placing her hand over the spot where she knows she’d left the burn on his back, and when he wraps his arms around her, she knows that whatever happened in the past is over. Right now, as their beginning begins to melt into their middle, she hopes that they’ll see it through together until the very end. She feels him breathe her in and she tugs him closer in the dark.

 

**Author's Note:**

> And now its hella late and I'm losing sleep just to post this but oh well, a girl's gotta go what a girl's gotta do when inspiration strikes, thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it! Hopefully I return with more fanfic for this fandom because damn son I didn't think I'd get in this deep but here I am
> 
> Also, here's the episodes and approximate time stamps of all the scenes that inspired me  
> Echoes of the Past | Critical Role RPG Show Episode 38 - 42:16 & 56:31  
> Omens | Critical Role RPG Show Episode 39 - 3:24:19 & 3:30:09 & 3:53:18  
> In Ruins | Critical Role RPG Show Episode 41 - 33:17 & 1:09:24 & 2:00:00 & 2:20:04 & 2:40:20  
> Dangerous Dealings | Critical Role RPG Show Episode 42 - 2:59:20 & 3:06:48


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